The Only Constant
Chaos is rejecting all you have learned. Chaos is being yourself.
– Friedrich Nietzsche
At long last, I have found a place for myself. I am a creature of Chaos, and in Chaos I must persist. There may exist physical universal constants to this realm, but they are not for you or I. You are a creature of change and of Chaos, and until you learn to accept from that perspective, you will always be caught at the crosshairs of security and your own dreams.
I can see myself more clearly now. All along, I had tried to build for myself, a cookie-cutter structure of order, security and stability. The amount of self suffocation I must have participated in — the dance of trying to tempt myself, and fit myself into a shape that was not meant for my soul. The desire to fit into that mold, that dream that I inherited by observing those around me and how they lived and then mimicking — I took those ideas, and bathed myself in those thoughts, until I reached a point that I could not distinguish my own dreams clearly against the backdrop of others. Until one day, my spirit caused a revolt. The unwillingness of my spirit to be caged caused such a state of listlessness within me, that it was almost unbearable. I was no longer living — I was hibernating. I was bored — just as bored as I had been as an adolescent female, bored out of my fucking mind.
I saw myself, turning away from the things that I truly desired — I saw myself turning to distractions. The next activity, the next mindless act, the next new shiny thing to focus my energy onto — that is what I had done. To others, it appeared a fervent life energy — but to myself, nothing more than a mindless distraction. My soul was so hungry, that I was able to sate it with just about any activity.
But it was through the discovery of Philosophy, and through forced slow-down, I unboxed myself. The desire to seek out newness and new ways of thinking is what philosophy provided for me — a perspective through which to view the world, through a lens that had not previously been available for me to see through.
And once I looked, I could not forget what I had seen. I had taken the red pill, and there was no turning back.
It was as if my world — overnight — had grown from something so minute and narrow, and now it had become something infinitesimally large. It was so large, that I felt that I could never understand it, and I could never grasp it. I would always fail, time and time again — to try to pin the Universe to the cork board itself — but away it merely fluttered, like a butterfly on the edge of freedom, just out of my grasp.
It was in those moments, that I truly experienced the Chaos of the extremity of the new environment that I had thrown myself into. As the protective covering of my mold was torn away from me, I was left bare and exposed.
And in short, I was Afraid.
Stuck in Despair — I was in the depths of my own vulnerability, afraid of everything — simultaneously fearful of the creature that lay within me, the creature that demanded so much and asked for so much from me, but also of the monsters that lay before me that I did not have the strength to face. What If — loomed, impossibly large. The fear of letting myself fall, of not being enough — it was like a poor beggar at my foot, cackling at me, knowing I could not escape.
Into the depths of my despair I felt myself sinking. Endlessly I fell. The sadness and fear and regret so deep and so eternal — I thought I would continue to fall. Like a bottomless pit, at times I felt myself contemplating even non-existence. In different ways I spun the idea around in my head — both existential and physical suicide, everything searching for a denial to quiet the monster’s screams. Like a fish thrown out of water — each moment was an action of tremendous struggle to live, and to exist. It was so overwhelming — the stages of grief, it feels like an emotion that never stopped giving. You think you’ve reached it, you think it’s over — but there’s always a deeper layer, there’s always another floor for you to break through. At some point, you keep asking yourself — repeatedly.
“This is it. It must be over”.
Eternal it seems — it never stops. For so long as you choose to see your sadness and despair through the same lens, the deeper you will continue to fall. In a way — despair is Infinity itself. Each “call” to the despair function is a recursive call, for which there exists no end. The program does not terminate.
It is only when you are able to look around you, with clear eyes, can you see the beauty in the Madness. It is only in Chaos — that new structures can be rebuilt. At last — you have done it — you broke everything you had once believed in. You shattered the landscape through which you previously saw the world. You were in the depths of Chaos. Previously, you thought you were so high up, but you realize — in order to grow, you must sometimes take the journey of endless down-going.
It is now, in this land, that you come to realize that all that truly ever is and will be, is nothing but Chaos. Only when you accept this, the meaninglessness of it all, that you realize — I have been here before. You see — I am in the Sandbox.
It is time, to choose the pieces through which you want to reconstruct. Like a child in a Sandbox, the act of destruction may seem so fearful and heartbreaking as you dismantle the constructs that you had invested such time and energy and focus to put together. But the beauty — on the other side of creation, is freedom. Like a child — you have in you, a beauty of play and boundless creativity. When you dismantle what you have created — it does not mean your previous efforts were wasted — no! It means you can now, play again! You have at your disposal, tools for which you can now create anew. And this time, the values that you reach for, will be the ones that you define for yourself.
Your agency is boundless — for you are a creature born from Chaos.
For as long as you remain in motion, your soul shall not age. So be not afraid, to embrace the only thing that is a constant –
Change.
